From Wall Street to Main Street to The Streets

WASHINGTON — Congressional leaders and the Bush administration reached a tentative agreement early Sunday on what may become the largest financial bailout in American history, authorizing the Treasury to purchase $700 billion in troubled debt from ailing firms in an extraordinary intervention to prevent widespread economic collapse.

Officials said that Congressional staff members would work through the night to finalize the language of the agreement and draft a bill, and that the bill requires the government to use its new role as owner of distressed mortgage-backed securities to make more aggressive efforts to prevent home foreclosures.

In the final hours of negotiations, Democratic lawmakers, including Representative Rahm Emanuel of Illinois and Senator Kent Conrad of North Dakota, carried pages of the bill by hand, back and forth, from Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office, where the Democrats were encamped, to Mr. Paulson and other Republicans in the offices of Representative John A. Boehner of Ohio, the House minority leader.

In a statement, Tony Fratto, the deputy White House press secretary, said: “We’re pleased with the progress tonight and appreciate the bipartisan effort to stabilize our financial markets and protect our economy.”

But not all points of the negotiation went as smoothly as Fratto claims, says a congressional staffer. There were specific points of frustration on both sides of the aisle, and that frustration began to show towards the end of the 72-hour marathon session.

Among the last sticking points was an unexpected and bitter fight over how to pay for any losses that taxpayers may experience after distressed debt has been purchased and resold.

Democrats had pushed for a fee on securities transactions, essentially a tax on financial firms, saying it was fitting that they contribute to the cost. Republicans were seeking unfettered access for investment banks to research business transactions without Congressional oversight.

“Our original proposal—about 36-hours ago—included having newly anointed commercial banks (Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs) review loans over 5 billion dollars with a newly formed Treasury committee designed specifically to prevent bad investments,” said Emanuel in a joint press briefing with Conrad and Pelosi. “John (A. Boehner) disagreed with the language of the committee, specifically the number of people on the committee and the name.”

The Ohio Republican’s staff confirmed the disagreement by phone, “The Democrats wanted seven members on the committee, which is unnecessary. We feel it can be done with three. And the name of the committee is a bit bland—‘Committee Oversight for Sound Investments’ does not install confidence for Main Street consumers. We don’t agree to that.”

It is unclear what Republican counter-offered, but texts by Congressional aides' Blackberrys that were leaked shortly after give some idea of the discrepancy.

Possible committee names included “Heartland Monetary Fund”, “Patriots for Fiscal Responsibility”, “Watching Money Watching You”, “Dollar Dollar Bill (for) Y’all”, “Get Yo’ Money, Man” and “Touch My Money and I’ll be Touching You.”

Pelosi seemed disinterested in the specific name of the committee and more concerned about who would sit on the panel. “We are looking for an independent, bi-partisan membership to oversee this unprecedented time in American finance.”

Treasury Secretary Paulson countered that a bi-partisan effort will hamper investor confidence, thereby bringing down the world economy, “We need to streamline this bitch. We’re going to keep it Gangst(er).”

Regardless of the name, Pelosi wanted the Treasury’s assurance the committee would be composed of qualified members from both the left and the right.

“Who the fuck said that?” responded Paulson, “I told that Bitch, I’m on it. I’m on top of it. Me, Bone-Dogg (John A. Boehner), B-Naked and the Twins (Chairman of the Fed, Ben Bernanke; ‘Twins’ unknown), and—oh, oh, oh, hold-up, check it, check it—I want Palin sittin’ between my boy(s).” Paulson then performed an elaborate handshake with Republican Representative Roy Blunt of Missouri and simulated masturbating on an AP correspondent’s dress, “Blunt-Man 2000! 2008, Motherfucker!”

Officials said they had also agreed to include a proposal by House Republicans that gives the Treasury secretary an additional option of issuing government insurance for troubled financial instruments as a way of reducing the amount of taxpayer money spent up front on the rescue effort.

The Treasury would be required to create the insurance program, officials said, but not necessarily to use it. Mr. Paulson had expressed little interest in that plan, and initial cost projections suggested it would be enormously expensive. “You know how much work that is?” Paulson asked the press rhetorically, “Fuck that. You don’t think I know some shit? I know shit you can’t even fathom. Fathom, Motherfucker! We’re talking about a global collapse. Brothers from China won’t be able to eat.” Paulson shook his head and stood back from the podium, in what seemed to be a moment of solace, then whispered, “Wu-tang.”

Steinbrenner Puts Own Spin on Curse

On April 14th, Hank Steinbrenner ordered the drilling through four feet of concrete in the new Yankee Stadium upon hearing the news that Gino Castignoli, a construction worker at the stadium and a life-long Red Sox fan, buried a David Ortiz jersey in the concrete somewhere around the visitors' clubhouse floor.

Curses in sports, especially baseball, are not uncommon. The most famous of curses, "The Curse of the Bambino", set off over 75 years of World Series title drought in Boston when Babe Ruth was traded from the Red Sox to the Yankees.

To prevent the attempted "Ortiz" curse, Steinbrenner ordered the jersey to be removed. The dig--which cost an estimated $50,000--enraged an already emotional Steinbrenner. Shortly after, Steinbrenner ordered a series of "new" curses on the Red Sox.

In a strange and inexplicable fusion of old curses and random requests, Steinbrenner immediately ordered the four foot concrete hole to be filled with a collection of items thought to inflect bad luck on the Red Sox, who have won two World Series over the past four years.

"I want Bill Buckner's jersey in the hole!" Steinbrenner said, according to team sources, "and put a locket of Carlton Fisk's hair in there as well."

Although it is unclear whether these requests were acknowledged, Steinbrenner continued to issue orders, "Get me a fucking Komodo dragon! I want a [green] monster sacrificed in the name of the Red Sox!" Steinbrenner then became even more irate and turned red in the face, "And bring me a young Irish girl! I'll spill her drunken Mick blood in the hole myself!"

Steinbrenner continued to include items which are seemingly unassociated with the Yankees and Red Sox rivalry, or sports of any kind. "Go get my college transcripts! And that chlamydia test from '87, grab that too!" said Steinbrenner, "And my father's approval! Make sure you put my father's approval on the bottom."

The hole was filled early this morning.

Hand Job From Announcer May Have Violated NCAA Regulations

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Roger Clemens' Wife Grows Penis

Washington, D.C. - In an underreported story coming out of the congressional hearings on steroids in baseball, Clemens escaped without further embarrassment to he and his wife. The story--or lack thereof--should have been what Clemens had whispered to his lawyer, Rusty Hardin, during questioning about his wife's HGH use.

His wife, Debbie, sat behind him and listened as Waxman implicated her in HGH use, citing statements by Pettitte. Clemens testified his wife took HGH once. (Although according to the transcript of last week's sworn deposition, Clemens told committee lawyers he didn't know of family members taking HGH.) Clemens then leaned towards Hardin and--while covering his mouth with his hand--whispered, "she grew a little dick, too." And returned to Chairman Waxman's questioning with a notable nauseated look on his face, which most people attributed to the anxiety of possible perjury charges.

"I don't think he was worried about perjury charges," said Charles Sheeler, the reticent chief counsel for Major League Baseball, who was sitting closest to Clemens during Wednesday's hearings. "He whispered to Rusty [Hardin] that his wife grew a 'dick' or a 'prick'. I don't know exactly. But something phallic definitely. He got this disgusting shutter of a look after he said it. But I was sitting pretty close to him. I definitely heard it. Gross. Just gross."

At times, Clemens struggled to find the right words as he was pressed by lawmakers. Clemens said Pettitte "misremembers" things. He mispronounced McNamee's name at one point. Toward the end, Clemens raised his voice to interrupt Waxman's closing remarks. The chairman pounded his gavel and said, "Excuse me, but this is not your time to argue with me."

Johan Santana Trade Talks

(This post was taken from an ESPN The Magazine online article posted December 2, 2007)

By Rex Actry

Bristol, Conn. -- The New York Yankees likely will pull out of trade talks for Johan Santana if the Minnesota Twins don't make a decision by late Monday.

"I'm not going to be played against the Red Sox. That's not something I'll do. That's not something the Yankees should ever do, and that's I think what they're trying to do now," Yankees senior vice president Hank Steinbrenner said Sunday. "So if they want the best offer that has been offered to them, then they need to make up their minds."

The Yankees have proposed swapping pitcher Phil Hughes, center fielder Melky Cabrera and a midlevel prospect for the two-time Cy Young Award winner, who can become a free agent after next season.

Boston also is competing to land Santana. The Red Sox are thought to have offered a package that would include pitcher Jon Lester or center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury but not both. Center fielder Coco Crisp also could be part of a trade.

With the Minnesota Twins insisting on center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury in any trade for pitcher Johan Santana, the Red Sox have altered their offer and have told the Twins they are willing to include the outfielder.

The Yankees, meanwhile, have informed the Twins that they are going to pull their offer off the table soon -- perhaps by Tuesday at the latest -- unless they get an answer. The Yankees changed their offer on Friday, adding pitcher Phil Hughes after much internal debate, to go along with Melky Cabrera and a third prospect.

After news of the Yankees proposal was released, the Red Sox reshuffled their trade offer early Saturday to appear more lucrative than the Yankees, this time including Ellsbury, center fielder Coco Crisp, and a minor league prospect -- yet unknown, as well as cash incentives.

The Yankees had told the Twins they will not give them one of their top prospects as the third player in their offer -- not pitchers Ian Kennedy or Alan Horne, or outfielder Austin Jackson, for example. But after news of the Red Sox counteroffer, Saturday afternoon Hank Steinbrenner offered even more to Minnesota for the recent Cy Young winner. Steinbrenner included Hughes, Cabrera, designated hitter Jason Giambi and selected Yankees memorabilia – including historically significant items such as Mickey Mantle’s 500th home run and Joe Dimaggio’s wedding cake [with wife Marilyn Monroe].

"We'll see how it goes, but this is not an act. It's not a bluff. It's just reality," he said. "Because as much as I want Santana, and you can make that clear -- for his sake, to know that I do want him -- but the fact is that I'm not going to play the game. We've made them the best offer. And at this point, it's not going to get any better. So they can decide. At this point, it's up to them. I don't think they want to lose us in this thing, obviously. Nobody wants to lose the Yankees in a negotiation."

Upon hearing of the Yankees latest proposal, the Red Sox added nontraditional trade objects of their own. In addition to the aforementioned Ellsbury, Crisp, prospect, and cash, the Red Sox have verbally committed up to eight coveted box seat season tickets at Fenway Park for top front office executives at the Twins organization. The Twins front office quickly released the statement, “Although we are impressed with the Red Sox desire to acquire Johan, it is against Twins policy to accept offers of this nature when discussing trading a player” mid afternoon on Saturday. It is also unclear what the Twins would be able to do with the box seats if accepted.

But before the statement was made public, Steinbrenner bypassed his front office, including General Manager Brian Cashman, by personally calling the Twins front office where he reportedly offered Hughes, Cabrera, Giambi, Yankee memorabilia, and a “fun-filled” weekend at the Steinbrenner ranch in the Catskills.

Once news of the ineligibility of the Fenway Park tickets surfaced -- as well as the latest from Steinbrenner -- Theo Epstein, vice-president of baseball operations for the Red Sox contacted the Twins through back channels. Epstein has long been rumored to want Santana to build one of the most deadly rotations in baseball, which is especially needed in the heated rivalry of the AL East. Epstein countered Steinbrenner’s offer with the assurance that he could provide the Twins organization with “significant companionship”.

Not sure with the Red Sox latest offer, the Twins contacted the Yankee front office to disclose Epstein’s “personal” guarantee. Steinbrenner reportedly became very upset with the Red Sox assurance and said he would not be part of a tug-of-war over a player.

"We need to get things straightened out, and not wait around for them to run back to Boston and back to us, and then back to Boston," he said. "I'm not going to do that."

Steinbrenner released a “final” offer of Hughes, Cabrera, Giambi, memorabilia, a “fun-filled” weekend, personally giving fellatio to two Twins top execs -- on film -- as well as second basemen Robinson Cano.

A trade likely would have to be made on a “conditional” basis, giving the Yankees or Red Sox 72 hours to work out a new long-term contract for Santana, who is owed $13.25 million next season. Steinbrenner said the Yankees didn't want to wait too long, miss out on Santana and then find out it was too late to get involved in talks for other pitchers, such as Oakland's Dan Haren.

“Tell them I’ll ‘conditionally’ suck their cock! Tell them I’m serious!” Steinbrenner ordered, as reported by a Yankee insider, “Cock in mouth! I want Santana!”

It's possible that the Twins may find that the offers from Boston and the Yankees are not acceptable, and decide, ultimately, to keep Santana. But executives involved in the trade talks fully expect that the Twins will trade Santana, and that they will make a decision within the next 72 hours on what offer they prefer. If either the Yankees or the Red Sox were to pull out of negotiations, the Twins' leverage would be greatly diminished.

If the Twins do agree to a tentative deal, Santana must still agree to waive his no-trade clause, and in order to do that, Santana likely will ask for a six-year extension worth something in the range of a $150 million; he would become the first pitcher ever to sign for a multiyear deal for at least $20 million a year.

The Mets, Mariners, Dodgers and Angels are among the other teams with which the Twins have talked about Santana.

Rex Actry is a senior baseball writer for ESPN The Magazine.