From Wall Street to Main Street to The Streets

WASHINGTON — Congressional leaders and the Bush administration reached a tentative agreement early Sunday on what may become the largest financial bailout in American history, authorizing the Treasury to purchase $700 billion in troubled debt from ailing firms in an extraordinary intervention to prevent widespread economic collapse.

Officials said that Congressional staff members would work through the night to finalize the language of the agreement and draft a bill, and that the bill requires the government to use its new role as owner of distressed mortgage-backed securities to make more aggressive efforts to prevent home foreclosures.

In the final hours of negotiations, Democratic lawmakers, including Representative Rahm Emanuel of Illinois and Senator Kent Conrad of North Dakota, carried pages of the bill by hand, back and forth, from Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office, where the Democrats were encamped, to Mr. Paulson and other Republicans in the offices of Representative John A. Boehner of Ohio, the House minority leader.

In a statement, Tony Fratto, the deputy White House press secretary, said: “We’re pleased with the progress tonight and appreciate the bipartisan effort to stabilize our financial markets and protect our economy.”

But not all points of the negotiation went as smoothly as Fratto claims, says a congressional staffer. There were specific points of frustration on both sides of the aisle, and that frustration began to show towards the end of the 72-hour marathon session.

Among the last sticking points was an unexpected and bitter fight over how to pay for any losses that taxpayers may experience after distressed debt has been purchased and resold.

Democrats had pushed for a fee on securities transactions, essentially a tax on financial firms, saying it was fitting that they contribute to the cost. Republicans were seeking unfettered access for investment banks to research business transactions without Congressional oversight.

“Our original proposal—about 36-hours ago—included having newly anointed commercial banks (Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs) review loans over 5 billion dollars with a newly formed Treasury committee designed specifically to prevent bad investments,” said Emanuel in a joint press briefing with Conrad and Pelosi. “John (A. Boehner) disagreed with the language of the committee, specifically the number of people on the committee and the name.”

The Ohio Republican’s staff confirmed the disagreement by phone, “The Democrats wanted seven members on the committee, which is unnecessary. We feel it can be done with three. And the name of the committee is a bit bland—‘Committee Oversight for Sound Investments’ does not install confidence for Main Street consumers. We don’t agree to that.”

It is unclear what Republican counter-offered, but texts by Congressional aides' Blackberrys that were leaked shortly after give some idea of the discrepancy.

Possible committee names included “Heartland Monetary Fund”, “Patriots for Fiscal Responsibility”, “Watching Money Watching You”, “Dollar Dollar Bill (for) Y’all”, “Get Yo’ Money, Man” and “Touch My Money and I’ll be Touching You.”

Pelosi seemed disinterested in the specific name of the committee and more concerned about who would sit on the panel. “We are looking for an independent, bi-partisan membership to oversee this unprecedented time in American finance.”

Treasury Secretary Paulson countered that a bi-partisan effort will hamper investor confidence, thereby bringing down the world economy, “We need to streamline this bitch. We’re going to keep it Gangst(er).”

Regardless of the name, Pelosi wanted the Treasury’s assurance the committee would be composed of qualified members from both the left and the right.

“Who the fuck said that?” responded Paulson, “I told that Bitch, I’m on it. I’m on top of it. Me, Bone-Dogg (John A. Boehner), B-Naked and the Twins (Chairman of the Fed, Ben Bernanke; ‘Twins’ unknown), and—oh, oh, oh, hold-up, check it, check it—I want Palin sittin’ between my boy(s).” Paulson then performed an elaborate handshake with Republican Representative Roy Blunt of Missouri and simulated masturbating on an AP correspondent’s dress, “Blunt-Man 2000! 2008, Motherfucker!”

Officials said they had also agreed to include a proposal by House Republicans that gives the Treasury secretary an additional option of issuing government insurance for troubled financial instruments as a way of reducing the amount of taxpayer money spent up front on the rescue effort.

The Treasury would be required to create the insurance program, officials said, but not necessarily to use it. Mr. Paulson had expressed little interest in that plan, and initial cost projections suggested it would be enormously expensive. “You know how much work that is?” Paulson asked the press rhetorically, “Fuck that. You don’t think I know some shit? I know shit you can’t even fathom. Fathom, Motherfucker! We’re talking about a global collapse. Brothers from China won’t be able to eat.” Paulson shook his head and stood back from the podium, in what seemed to be a moment of solace, then whispered, “Wu-tang.”

Steinbrenner Puts Own Spin on Curse

On April 14th, Hank Steinbrenner ordered the drilling through four feet of concrete in the new Yankee Stadium upon hearing the news that Gino Castignoli, a construction worker at the stadium and a life-long Red Sox fan, buried a David Ortiz jersey in the concrete somewhere around the visitors' clubhouse floor.

Curses in sports, especially baseball, are not uncommon. The most famous of curses, "The Curse of the Bambino", set off over 75 years of World Series title drought in Boston when Babe Ruth was traded from the Red Sox to the Yankees.

To prevent the attempted "Ortiz" curse, Steinbrenner ordered the jersey to be removed. The dig--which cost an estimated $50,000--enraged an already emotional Steinbrenner. Shortly after, Steinbrenner ordered a series of "new" curses on the Red Sox.

In a strange and inexplicable fusion of old curses and random requests, Steinbrenner immediately ordered the four foot concrete hole to be filled with a collection of items thought to inflect bad luck on the Red Sox, who have won two World Series over the past four years.

"I want Bill Buckner's jersey in the hole!" Steinbrenner said, according to team sources, "and put a locket of Carlton Fisk's hair in there as well."

Although it is unclear whether these requests were acknowledged, Steinbrenner continued to issue orders, "Get me a fucking Komodo dragon! I want a [green] monster sacrificed in the name of the Red Sox!" Steinbrenner then became even more irate and turned red in the face, "And bring me a young Irish girl! I'll spill her drunken Mick blood in the hole myself!"

Steinbrenner continued to include items which are seemingly unassociated with the Yankees and Red Sox rivalry, or sports of any kind. "Go get my college transcripts! And that chlamydia test from '87, grab that too!" said Steinbrenner, "And my father's approval! Make sure you put my father's approval on the bottom."

The hole was filled early this morning.

Hand Job From Announcer May Have Violated NCAA Regulations

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Roger Clemens' Wife Grows Penis

Washington, D.C. - In an underreported story coming out of the congressional hearings on steroids in baseball, Clemens escaped without further embarrassment to he and his wife. The story--or lack thereof--should have been what Clemens had whispered to his lawyer, Rusty Hardin, during questioning about his wife's HGH use.

His wife, Debbie, sat behind him and listened as Waxman implicated her in HGH use, citing statements by Pettitte. Clemens testified his wife took HGH once. (Although according to the transcript of last week's sworn deposition, Clemens told committee lawyers he didn't know of family members taking HGH.) Clemens then leaned towards Hardin and--while covering his mouth with his hand--whispered, "she grew a little dick, too." And returned to Chairman Waxman's questioning with a notable nauseated look on his face, which most people attributed to the anxiety of possible perjury charges.

"I don't think he was worried about perjury charges," said Charles Sheeler, the reticent chief counsel for Major League Baseball, who was sitting closest to Clemens during Wednesday's hearings. "He whispered to Rusty [Hardin] that his wife grew a 'dick' or a 'prick'. I don't know exactly. But something phallic definitely. He got this disgusting shutter of a look after he said it. But I was sitting pretty close to him. I definitely heard it. Gross. Just gross."

At times, Clemens struggled to find the right words as he was pressed by lawmakers. Clemens said Pettitte "misremembers" things. He mispronounced McNamee's name at one point. Toward the end, Clemens raised his voice to interrupt Waxman's closing remarks. The chairman pounded his gavel and said, "Excuse me, but this is not your time to argue with me."